Bereavement: We Are All Touched By Sadness and Grief

It is so hard to know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, be it through sickness or through tragedy.

A word that we often use to describe such losses is "bereavement," which at its root suggests a sense of being plundered and "robbed" by death. I was taken back by that internal meaning of the word. How often do we speak of loss of life as though a theft had taken place? I know that when I have had to face losses in my own life, the deaths of close friends and family, I feel that a part of me has been taken along with the life of my loved one.

When I speak with an individual, family or group who are grieving, I first try to convey my deepest respect for them and their loss. I remain very present and responsive to them. I try to set aside my own preconceived notions of what they "should" be doing to mourn and accept, at face value, that each of us experiences such things in some ways like the rest of us and each of us also suffers and grieves as individuals.

Some people ask me, of themselves and others, if their distress or pain, sleepless nights or endless preoccupation with their beloved one has gone too far, a sign that they've gone "over the edge?" When I believe it is appropriate to do so, I try to reassure them by way of relating that most people deal with such losses in stages, such as shock, anger, surrender and finally acceptance. I also remind them that such reconciliation may take time and be subject to frequent recurrences of grief, as each of us tries to live through annual reminders and return to the shared places of our previous relationships. People sometimes find comfort in knowing that, as bad as it is, what they are going through is fundamentally normal, and even in a sense, healthy, even if it's tragic and disabling to them at the time.

How much grief is too much? When should a grieving person consider getting help or treatment?

I recommend that help be offered when grieving is prolonged or when a person is unable to resume major areas of personal functioning, such as work, leisure, family or social relationships. Help is also warranted when symptoms of severe depression take over. These include profound sadness, difficulty concentrating, poor sleep, loss of appetite, weight loss, or hopelessness. These people may need help to cope with their losses. We suffer our loved one’s death as a loss of a part of our self. This loss can be a serious wound and needs to heal in it's own right.

The purpose of mourning and bereavement is not one of forgetting or moving on. Rather, it is one of deciding the very ways that we will remember and hold our loved ones close to us in our hearts. Sometimes we may choose to keep an object of shared significance. Some of us have the means and see the value of remembering a loved one through a donation to a charity or a favorite institution. Through these kinds of gestures and over time, we gradually come to accept that our loved ones have gone away, though they will be forever missed. Soon it will be time for us to go on again, to continue with our lives, mindful of the value of those whom we love.

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