Counseling Couples in Trouble

I’ve seen many hundreds of couples in the course of over twenty-five years of psychotherapy work. Stereotypically, one member has convinced the other to come to counseling, sometimes dragging him or her into my office. Often enough, though, I find myself facing couples who have both agreed that an impasse or a hurt has occurred in their relationship and that, left to their usual devices, they are not likely to heal or get past it soon.

There are a few general themes that I seem to visit with most couples that come to talk to me. The first has to do with making and keeping agreements. When fundamental agreements have been broken or ignored, my practice is to start with the proposal that, for practical purposes, “all (or most all) agreements are hereby off.” This puts both parties on notice that a significant change must take place if the relationship is to be saved. Having said that, we must move immediately to renegotiate the emotional “terms of endearment,” trying to clear away the debris of personal pain and interpersonal discomfort presently threatening the relationship. We must then create and put in its place a simpler and modifiable set of common goals and promises. These agreements should be reviewed, endorsed and supported by all parties.

A related theme is the fear or the complaint that one partner isn’t being truthful with the other. This can encompass such problems as deception, secrecy and engaging in relationship-compromising behaviors, such as affairs and misappropriating the couple’s financial resources. It can be very difficult for a couple to recover from such acts, as the fear of repeated betrayal nearly always lurks in the background. Forgiveness comes slowly. Repair sometimes requires that one or both seek personal counseling to deal with fundamental defects of character and closely related lapses in impulse control.

A third and essential component of my couples restoration program is to foster a strong sense, leading to a belief, that all relationships need maintenance in order to run smoothly and to survive, especially in difficult times. Not that this needs an outside illustration, but I counsel both parties to remember that relationships are delicate, high performance vehicles. Just as we fill our auto’s tanks with gas and check and change the oil at regular intervals, all relationships need to be checked and maintained if they (we) are to function at our best. This analogy often gets a chuckle when I remind my couples that “auto” means “self.”

Sometimes couples conflict over one’s sense that they are spending too little or, in this case, too much time together. My counsel is that our individual needs may differ even when we love each other and are committed to our partnership. To remedy that, I sometimes recommend that couples give each other necessary time apart, appealing to the wisdom, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” This advice is only true when fondness and love are already present, and when, upon our return, we can say, “It’s good to be with you again.”

Two boats, lying side-by-side in the ocean, but not anchored together, will invariably drift apart. So it is in relationships — we must consciously steer towards each other or risk drifting hopelessly away from each other. Couples insure closeness by insisting on good times spent together, periodically checking in with each other, letting each other know what is missing or needed, and affirming, with gratitude, their vital contributions to each other’s lives.

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