Dealing with difficult relatives

In, “When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People,” recently published by Rodale Press, Dr. Leonard Felder extends the insights of his seven previous books, including “Make Peace with Your Parents,” providing a practical and compassionate approach for family conflict resolution. As a therapist and consultant who has been involved in interfaith and conflict resolution dialogue for many years, Dr. Felder’s background ideally suits him to the tasks of his book – to assist families to overcome the most common threats to their peaceful coexistence and to learn how to come closer together during holidays and at other special and challenging times. Dr. Felder describes a typical, difficult, relative: “It’s the person who runs hot and cold, who can be warm and supportive one moment but hurtful and icy the next moment, either because of a volatile personality or because when he or she has one too many drinks the mood swings become quite dramatic. This is the relative who at one moment draws you in with love and kindness, but who can turn on you in a second.” His book reminds us that even our most challenging relatives often suffer from fears of embarrassment or loss of control, dealing with their own fears, in part, by being difficult. “Enjoy the good moments with this fragile, hot-and-cold person,” Felder says, “but don’t blame yourself when the smallest disagreement pushes this person over the edge into his or her vicious side.” Felder’s book is healing and solution-focused. His approach is diplomatic, encouraging family members to work together. He supports healthy boundaries and limit setting, yet fundamentally his words speak of compassion and mutual understanding. Difficult relatives often cause stress between spouses or partners, bringing up unresolved issues and conflicts about family loyalties. When these problems come up, Felder says, “tell your spouse or lover whether you want any advice or just someone who will listen to your frustrations about your family.” In difficult situations, our partners often feel the need to come to our defense, even against our own families. Here, Dr. Felder recommends that we, “Clarify ahead of time whether it’s ok or not for your spouse or lover to criticize your relatives - quite often people are comfortable trashing their own relatives but get defensive if a spouse or lover says, “your family is bonkers.” Recognizing that dealing effectively with difficult relatives is an uphill challenge, Dr. Felder emphasizes that it’s important for individuals or couples to take the time to build from successes and work from goals for each visit. Accepting that expecting your relatives to change right away is often unrealistic, Felder encourages families to work towards more modest, but significant outcomes, “to show up, have a few quality moments with the people you cherish, dodge the bullets from the people who are toxic, and remain a united teammate with the spouse or lover you’ve brought along.” This is a wonderful, practical, and timely book. Readers may well marvel from the stories of Kevin, the hostile, provocative brother in law and how Rita dealt with her mom’s refusal to attend her wedding. In these stories and in chapters dealing tough issues, such as religious differences, contrary dietary practices and preferences, matters of personal appearance, as well as in sections coping with racism, sexism and abuse, “When Difficult Relatives Happens to Good People” offers ethically informed principles and wise counsel for all who would get along better with the difficult people in their lives.

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