Forgive And Be Forgiven

FORGIVENESS - HEALING EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

I received an email from a listener of my twice-weekly radio feature, who told me they had done something they felt bad about, felt responsible for it and could not forgive themselves for it. That sort of generated today's topic: How can we forgive the people who have hurt us and how can we be forgiven for our own hurtful actions?

This is something that I have mulled over and struggled with from time to time with patients, with family and within myself - how to forgive and how to seek and accept forgiveness when we are at fault.

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?

By the act of forgiveness we release the other person from a debt, an obligation to make whole something that has been injured or taken from us, whether in terms of property or from ourselves, in terms of our identity or self worth or our relationships with other persons. So, to begin with, "I forgive you" means, "I release you."

The word "forgive" implies, by its components, a kind of "giving." We might find in the word a sensibility to grant a kind of acceptance or tolerance for the act of the other, though after the fact, and credit it as though before the fact. As one might say to the other, "No offense intended." The other would reply, "None taken."

How can we get to the point of forgiving someone who has hurt us? I suppose that there are several decision checkpoints which could make a difference to us.

• How close is this person to me?
• Was the offense intentional?
• Could it have been avoided?
• Did the offender care if I was hurt?
• Has the offender offered an apology?
• How sincere was it?
• How much damage was done to person, feelings, or property?

These questions suggest more "when" than "how" we can grant forgiveness to someone. What makes us forgive?

I suspect that we have a sort of "instinct" to forgive. It is certainly a culturally supported ability: "To err is human, to forgive, divine." By instinct, I mean our natural tendency to try to keep what we already have and are familiar with. An inability to forgive would result in rejections and breakups all around. An unforgiving world would have very little stability, families would break up from insults and misunderstandings and chaos would rule. Sounds like life in the big city, doesn't it?

That's why we need to find our way back to forgiving. Let's set out on foot.

From my observations and experience, I have found that forgiveness may reside in a continuum of actions and reactions following our sense of being hurt or trespassed upon by another.

First, there's forbearance, by which we temporarily put off the remediation of the problem. It's still there, but we have given time for things to resolve or change. Then, there's "forgiveness," by which we make whole the offender, after they have spoken and acted in restitution for their offense. Then there's "forgetness," by which I mean we truly abandon our vigilance to protect ourselves from future offenses. If all else fails, then, of course, there's "foreclosure." Together, we might call these, the "four for's."

To forgive another, we must be able to believe and decide that:

• The hurt was not intended, or
• It was motivated by a misunderstanding or an error.
• The offender is sorry, and
• Understands his or her acts, and
• The offender will make a sincere attempt to change and not hurt us in the same manner again in the future.

Forgiving entails that we have some understanding of the motivations of the other person's behavior, relating to the offense and that we have a further understanding about their behavior and motive, at the time that they seek forgiveness. It might require of us an ability to get to that understanding on our own, when the offending person is not able to seek forgiveness even though they have hurt us. This is sometimes the case when we recall things our parents did to us and never could apologize for.

To forgive, we must:

1. Relieve the other person of their obligation to us for their hurting us.
2. Resist the temptation to bring up the offence again, unless it happens again.
3. Assist, the offender, either passively or actively, to make the adjustments that will be necessary to fulfill the intent of their apology.
4. Acknowledge changed behavior and attitudes, when growth has occurred.

HOW CAN WE SEEK FORGIVENESS FOR OUR OWN HURTFUL ACTS?

• We can trust that our loved ones (especially) want to continue to love and accept us and to help us to grow.
• We can search our own hearts for the truth about the ways that we accidentally or habitually hurt others, especially our loved ones.
• We can accept and find, with some resignation and some certainty at the same time, that we have the strength, with help, to live better lives by being straight with each other and ourselves and by making right where we have wronged others. (Recall the amends step in the 12-Step program.)
• We can start by asking for acceptance and forgiveness for our smaller and more easily remedied offenses, and grow in strength to be able to quickly and directly face up to our screw-up as soon as they occur.

THE INNER WORKINGS OF FORGIVENESS.

It's not enough for someone to forgive you or vice versa. When forgiveness is granted to you, you must also forgive yourself. This was the crux of the conversation that I had with my patient. You have offended, you are contrite, and you have made restitution, and now make yourself whole by fully accepting the gift that you have been given. When you forgive, really forgive - want and support that the offender be whole and renewed again. Wish them success. Realize that we are both causes and effects of each other. If our forgiveness does not intend the other to heal, then their continued misery is also ours to bear. Release them, then release yourself.

THE INABILITY TO FORGIVE.

Failing to or refusing to forgive a sincere request can be as damaging to you as it may be to the requesting party. When you can't forgive, ask yourself "What am I really holding onto?" Where is the gain to me, from not forgiving? The answers to those questions may guide you to deeper hurts or areas of relationship where further self and other change is needed?

SOME GENERAL POINTERS ABOUT THE DOMAIN OF FORGIVENESS:

• You've got to tell people when you feel hurt by their behavior.
• Practice forgiving the little things that you can easily forgive, and really let them go.
• Be careful about the insults and grudges that you carry inside of yourself.
• Ask yourself, "Who or what can I forgive today?"
• Not every request for forgiveness should be granted. Decline to honor an insincere request, or one that cannot be backed by effort to change future behavior.

WHAT COMES AFTER FORGIVING?

What can we do, having found the way to forgive and be forgiven?
• We can live more directly and in the moment, with the reliance and support of those around us.
• We can explore the possibilities and practices of peaceful conflict resolution in other areas of our lives.
• We can re-route our energies towards maintenance and growth in our relationships and inside of ourselves.
• We can feel the joy of being able to tell the truth and have the strength to be able to hear the truth from the people in our lives.

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