How to make editable speech

It has been said that words, once spoken, can never be taken back.

As a psychotherapist, I have often wondered about this maxim. How different our lives would be, if we could take back our words and be permitted to “try again,” to convey to our listeners the truths of our inner selves.

As a writer, I often take advantage of the tools of revision. I review, sometimes read aloud, and always look for spelling errors (which I still sometimes miss.) More importantly, I ask myself, “Is this the best way that I know to express my message?” The more I write, the more willing I am to re-write, to move things around and to throw out material that fails to enhance what I am writing.

I have listened to many husbands and wives tell each other how badly they
felt when their spouse spoke critically to them. “That’s what you said,” one
would say, sitting, arms folded and shoulders turned away, not towards their
partner.

In response, often the offending spouse will make some gesture of
reconciliation, offering, “That’s not what I meant, …” Within seconds, a
stalemate, more typically, a lose-lose solution, is evident.

How can we avert at least some of these moments of disconnection and hurt in
our relationships?

There are many potential ways for us to communicate more effectively and
less hurtfully with each other. Taking the time to listen to one another;
both parties paying attention to each other’s verbal and non-verbal
behavior; and especially thinking the best of each other so that we are more
likely to let the truths in or out are essential starters.

Along these same lines, I came up with the following approach during a
conjoint therapy visit between presently “warring” spouses: why not give
each other permission to take back any of the words that either party felt
to be offensive or were felt to be insufficient to convey the speaker’s
message?

I named this approach “editable speech,” which sounds a bit like “edible
speech.” I typically introduce the editable speech principle when I find
that it is time for either partner to “eat” or take back his or her words.

Having sold the idea to both of a couple, family or group, I then declare
that any party can request that the previous statement needs to be revised
in order to protect or heal what are now hurt feelings. All we need for this
to work is for the other party to agree to an attempted revision, to
withhold temporarily this or her impulse to react or overreact, and to wait
until the “final draft” is in before then responding.

Over the years I have found that this method won’t work if either partner is
intent only to control the other or to “get even” for the other’s presumed
offenses.

Sometimes spouses or other speech partners can even assist each other in
revising their statements – the purpose being one of communicating to be
understood, as opposed to that of winning or losing an argument.

The most effective forms of communication are always collaborative. This is
true for casual as well as intimate conversations and for couples as well as
in group settings. Our active involvements as speakers and as listeners are
the best means to insure that real meaning gets across from one mind to
another.

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