Narcissism: when self-love hurts

Filmgoers may remember Bill Murray’s character in Groundhog Day or Tom Cruise’s portrayal of the younger brother in Rain Man as fit examples of consummately self-centered individuals, ready to exploit others and caring, initially, only for themselves and their own pleasures and well-being.

In the mythological tale that gave us the word for this affliction – narcissism - Narcissus was gifted with extraordinary beauty and he was also possessed by unyielding pride, causing him to reject all overtures of love and intimacy from others, merely playing with their affections.

As a result of his abusive treatment of others, a curse was placed on him. One day, as Narcissus leaned into a stream to take a drink, he gazed into the water and was captivated by the beauty of his own reflection. Falling in love with his own image, Narcissus was held as though in a trance, his body eventually wasting away. In the place of his remains a flower grew, which we now call the Narcissus.

The APA diagnostic manual criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) include nine typical traits, of which at least five must be present to make the diagnosis. The most descriptive traits are those of grandiose self-preoccupation, craving admiration and attention, and being deficient in empathy toward others. People who exhibit some of these traits may be described as narcissistic, but would not be diagnosed with NPD unless the condition was pervasive and resulted in impaired psychosocial functioning.

Even if you’re not Narcissus, all-consuming self-love has its risks. When even small things go wrong, all-or-nothing thinking patterns emerge, warning that all is lost: beauty, if a blemish; health, if the smallest symptom reveals itself.

Some therapists attribute narcissism to problems in the earliest stages of psychological development, seeing narcissism as a reaction to being raised by spiteful or indifferent parents. Possessing some attractive qualities, the young child learns to get attention and validation by being special, ignoring the rest of his emotional needs. Males are three times more likely to be so diagnosed.

Cognitive behaviorists emphasize maladaptive learning, leading to the development of fixed patterns of organizing experience, called schemas, and ineffective thinking patterns, called cognitive distortions.

By approaching treatment with definable and non-judgmental goals and by maintaining a consistent, fundamentally validating treatment alliance, progress can be made. As thinking shifts from me-centered to us-centered relating, the results, in terms of improved social interactions (getting invited out more) and mutual reward (being thanked instead of appeased) can be affirmed.

What about healthy self-love?

I recall a story. A man who had just passed away approached the gates of heaven and knocked. A voice bellowed, “Who calls?” The man said, “It is I.” “Go away,” said the voice from within. After a time, the man approached the gate again and knocked. “Who calls?” he was again asked. “It is Thou,” said the man. “Enter,” responded the voice from on high.

We all need to use the mirror sometimes. We need to love ourselves and to hear praise and receive validation from each other. All children need to be the center of attention from time to time. Teens, in particular, go through periods of intense self-preoccupation, vying for each other’s attention amidst the turbulence of the adolescent years. As we get older, we face cultural biases favoring youth and youthful appearance. In our maturity we must learn to sustain a positive outlook, keeping a smile on our face when we can, doing what’s right for our health and appearance, and learning to appreciate the value that we add to each other’s lives.

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