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On lies and other mistruthsI remember counseling a ten-year-old boy who had been placed in a foster home, due to his parents’ abuse. A “Big Brother” volunteer had invited him to his home, only to find that three one hundred dollar bills had been taken. I was asked to question the boy about the loss. The boy looked me in the eyes and repeatedly stated that he had not taken the money. I offered him a pardon, even if he had taken the money, but voluntarily returned it. “I didn’t take the money,” he calmly offered instead. A minute later, the social worker came through the door, looked at the boy, and said, “I found two of the bills in your locker. Where’s the third one?” The boy replied, without hesitation, “It’s under my socks.”
Lying, the intentional telling of a falsehood to manipulate others, is an acquired behavior. Infants, even young children, do not lie, technically speaking. At times very young children may say things that are not true, but their motivation is less from intent to deceive, which they do not fully understand, than it is an act of magical thinking, hoping that what they are saying is or will become true. It is the responsibility of parents and loving adults to teach children about such aspects of social reality, including, for example, taking responsibility for both one’s behavior and one’s later descriptions of that behavior and learning how to avoid unnecessarily hurting other people’s feelings while telling them a truth that may still be critical or uncomplimentary.
Children need to learn about the consequences of their telling of falsehoods: that parents and others will eventually be reluctant to believe them when matters of truth are at stake. Young children can benefit from such stories as, “The boy who cried wolf,” followed with a simple conversation, to help them to think about and process the moral message more completely. Books or video programs such as William Bennett’s “Book of Virtues,” present different aspects of moral decision-making and are excellent materials for parents and children to use as springboards for dialog and learning.
Moving on to adults, the realms of mistruth and falsehood can present major obstacles, especially in deciding who to believe in and who to vote for, when some, many, or most (pick one) politicians seem to rely more and more on “dirty tricks” to influence voters’ opinions. As a social scientist, I am in no special position to tell which, if any politician may be lying and whether one, both or all may be telling the truth, though representing legitimate differences in their politics.
Mark Twain, whose real name was Samuel Clemens, is attributed to have said there are “lies, damned lies, and statistics.” Having a bit of a background in this area, I am somewhat skeptical when I first hear about new cures or treatments, and now, in our current political arena, I am even more skeptical about the allegations and the promises that I am asked to consider.
Knowing that I don’t know the truth makes me wary of believing in and relying on sincere sounding sound-byte messages, even if the speakers are “on point.” Recent events have given me good reason to search deeper for the truths of our shared political and social reality. This includes taking a look at both (or all) sides of the political spectrum, trying to check the facts about assertions that are made, when facts are available, and really paying attention to the promises and later, the actions of elected officials.
Our politicians, like our children, need to be taught about the consequences of their distorting of the truth. Let’s work together to hold them all to the same standard. Winning at any cost, including deception and cheating, is a losing proposition – for all of us.
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