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On using the reset button“If only we could start all over again.”
How many times have we wished, in the midst of some relationship turmoil or misunderstanding that we could start the conversation or the activity all over again?
When my computer freezes up or runs too slowly, which if frequently enough, all I usually have to do to restore computing speed and efficiency is to reboot the system and start over. It also helps that I frequently save my flies along the way and clean and reorganize my system periodically, as well.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the analogy between restarting my computer and the work that I do with couples and individual clients who consult with me about their communications concerns. A few months ago I described my “editable speech” concept, by which we can give permission to each other to edit our communications when we feel that we are getting off track and are being misunderstood. Invoking the editable speech idea gives us permission to make mistakes while communicating, even Freudian slips – no harm, no foul - allowing us to focus our attention on getting our truth out, while supportively understanding each other’s efforts to get themselves across.
Today I propose we start experimenting with the “reset” button in our social interactions. Allowing a “reset” gives permission to for communication start again, from the beginning, or from the most recent mutually agreed position. I like the idea that two or more people might be invested enough in their mutuality that they can both afford to let what was already said or argued unsuccessfully simply erase away, clearing the air for a fresh start.
Of course, when you both agree to reset, you should also agree not immediately revisit the very points of disagreement that was causing so much trouble to begin with. Imagine a chalkboard or the desktop of your computer screen – you hit reset and it goes blank. The computer starts up and you have to choose which programs you’re going to run and which files you will re-open. On the chalkboard, once erased it all comes down to picking up the chalk and writing again.
This idea has further applications in stress management. As stressful days go by we tend to accumulate the tensions and apprehensions that we have not already resolved. A powerful principle of stress management is to take periodic breaks to release the immediate tensions of the moment and then to take more thorough breaks to empty the tensions that have accumulated over weeks or months – these events are sometimes called “holidays” or “vacations,” if you know what I mean.
Working with thousands of people over the years, I have found that most people rarely take any time to seriously relax, to loosen their tight bodies or minds, the tightness being the inevitable results of our living increasingly stressful lifestyles accompanied by often equivalent levels of personal and financial uncertainty and societal unrest.
Developing a mindset of starting anew does not mean that we are forever doomed to return to the beginning, losing our progress in our lives. When we really let things go, just before going to sleep, we free ourselves for needed rest and restoration. Each subsequent morning can be greeted with a sense of newness – unencumbered by the successes or the failures of the days before.
When times get tough or confused, don’t be afraid to start over again. If practice makes perfect, maybe we’ll get it right the next time!
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