Six Steps to Anger Management

Take a minute and think about the last time that you were angry with someone or at something. What did you or any other persons say? what did you do when you were angry? What were you thinking before, during and after the incident? What was your inner commentary during these moments?

Love and anger are powerful emotions. In love, we tend to behave tenderly, seeking and sharing pleasure. In anger our instinctual reaction is to lash out, to make distance, to hurt. When we become angry, we feel it in extra-large sizes. When we are angered out of a sense of protection for a loved one or ourselves, our instinct is to act abruptly and decisively to remove the offending source. Our innate fight (or) flight mechanisms are triggered. Sometimes this can be adaptive and help us to survive. But, when we are angry with someone we love, acting on that same instinct can cause irreparable harm. For love to survive hard times, we must learn how deal with our anger and its related feelings of disappointment, irritation, frustration, and fear.

Here is a six-step program that I have given at seminars and to my patients to promote anger management.

First, know your triggers. List the most bothersome anger situations in your life or your work. For example, “I hate it when my husband comes home late from work.” This list helps us to decide our anger management priorities.

Next, recognize your own self-talk. Listen to what you say to yourself when things don’t turn out the way you want them to. Write down the beliefs that you hear yourself thinking. For example, “That (offense) tells me that he or she doesn’t love or respect me enough.” Each of us has different issues: for one it will be love, for another, respect, and so on.

The third step is to identify your bodily reactions and expressions of anger. What muscles do you find yourself holding when you are angry? Each of us has our own way of building up and releasing anger. Some of us tense our jaws; some clinch our arms and fists. How about you?

Step four involves the strategic use of ways for coping with stress, tension, anger and rage. In my program worksheet I ask participants to “List six coping responses that you know you can use to manage anger.” For example, “I can breathe slowly, forgive imperfections, or walk away.” Remember, your interpretations of other’s actions are your own – you have the power to change your mind and decide to choose from the alternative meanings that any event can have.

The fifth step is to identify the people from home or work that you feel can be supportive of you in dealing more effectively with your anger. Later, you can enlist their support in keeping your anger management program in place.

For the sixth step write down an agreement with yourself for more effectively handling anger or conflict in your life. Frequently review and update your anger management program with loved ones, friends, or with a mental health professional.

Anger management is one of the essential people skills. We learn it best by observing our own early role models. We can teach our children and others how to regulate these emotions by putting its principles into practice ourselves.

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